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Pete Campbell
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Location: Fort Pierce, SE Florida
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It just doesn't get any better than this in Stuart, FL 34997!

In the 2nd pic you will see a pretty good blond sportin Daisy Dukes and using a hair dryer outside to dry her Lab's wet coat!

Super smart move (likely no GFCI protection).
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This message was edited 1 time. Last update was at 04/22/2015 06:30 PM EDT


Pete Campbell
Guaranteed Inspections
772-882-9623
ClientCare@GuaranteedInspections.us
http://www.PortStLucieInspections.com
http://www.GuaranteedInspections.us
http://www.GuaranteedInspections.biz



Inspecting Fort Pierce, St. Lucie Village, Lakewood Park, Vero Beach, Indian River Shores, Sebastian, Fellsmere, Fort Drum, Okeechobee, Jensen Beach, Stuart, Palm City, Hobe Sound and Indiantown, Florida.

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Michael Altizer
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Pete Campbell wrote:It just doesn't get any better than this in Stuart, FL 34997!

In the 2nd pic you will see a pretty good blond sportin Daisy Dukes and using a hair dryer outside to dry her Lab's wet coat!

Super smart move (likely no GFCI protection).

Q: What does a redneck blonde say when you asked her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A: Start your Engines!

Q: What do you do when a blonde redneck throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: Why do redneck blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q: Why do blonde rednecks drive GMC trucks?
A: Because they can spell it.

Q: Why can't blonde rednecks dial 911?
A: They can't find the '11' on the telephone

Two blonde rednecks were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."
So they went home
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Michael Altizer
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One day a blonde was driving down the highway when she saw a blonde redneck on the side of the road trying to row in a boat. The blonde pulled over and said "You know it's people like you that give us blondes a bad name, if I knew how to swim I'd come out there and kick your ass".
Michael Altizer
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A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.
Michael Altizer
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A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?” The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
Michael Altizer
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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Michael Altizer
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“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Michael Altizer
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.
Michael Altizer
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An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"

The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"

The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"

The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."

The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...while I get my hat!"
Michael Altizer
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Two rednecks, Jimmy and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Jimmy, said "lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

Don't worry, Jimmy", Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat". "What?", asked Jimmy. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No, sir", said Earl. "We're on the patch"!
Michael Altizer
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I was in a public toilet and had just sat down, when I heard a voice from the next cubicle, he said "Hi!, how are you?”

Embarrassed, I said, "I’m doing fine”.

The voice said "So what are you up to?”.

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here!”.

From next door, "Can I come over?”. Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now”.

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there’s an idiot next door answering all my questions"
Michael Altizer
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Billy Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Billy Bob has been missing since Friday.
Michael Altizer
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On a serious note: Here is what my Redneck momma taught me:

1. My Redneck momma taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I've just finished cleaning."

2. My Redneck momma taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

3. My Redneck momma taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My Redneck momma taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

5. My Redneck momma taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you're in an accident."

6. My Redneck momma taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My Redneck momma taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My Redneck momma taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

9. My Redneck momma taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."

10. My Redneck momma taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

11. My Redneck momma taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

12. My Redneck momma taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
13. My Redneck momma taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

14. My Redneck momma taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

15. My Redneck momma taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

16. My Redneck momma taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

17. My Redneck momma taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

18. My Redneck momma taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Michael Altizer
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After living in the remote wilderness all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly thang he's runnin' 'round with"
Michael Altizer
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
 
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